should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
