Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
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