I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize
