you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
