a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Randomize
