I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
