I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
