Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
