I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
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We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
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I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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