So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
