im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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