do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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