Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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