I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
