Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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