I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
