We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
