Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
