he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
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