Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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