Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
