if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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