so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
