he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
