Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
