my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
