my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
How does it feel to date your dad?
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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