just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
