he puts the penis in happiness.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
