You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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