How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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