she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
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