First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
