I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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