Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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