im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
