I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Randomize
