i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
