I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
