she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
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