something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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