my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
