bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Randomize
