Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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