I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
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I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
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My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
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