WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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