I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Do vagina's smell?
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
