my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I need to stop coming to work sober
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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