Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
you are never too drunk for berry picking
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
