are you so shy because you have an std?
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
