is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
You're like the curious george of whores
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
