the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
