Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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