I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
The cops high fived after they tackled you
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Randomize
