ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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