so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
