My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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