Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I understand Curling. That high.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate