that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
