I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
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I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
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The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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